Le Dernier Bon Samaritain

“ The planned sequel to The Hobbit is to be an original story not written by Tolkien, covering the 60 years between The Hobbit, and The Lord of the Rings." ”

“ THE majority of the UK workforce do not really know what they are supposed to be doing while they are at the office, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that 64% of employees turn up and sit at a computer and then stay there until it feels like it is okay to leave.

Nikki Hollis, a customer whadyamacallit from Swindon, said: "I work in an open plan office with lots of orange girls and sometimes I go to meetings at a slightly larger office in Reading where they give me good quality biscuits.

"What else? The girl next to me is called Helen and she hates me because five years ago she thinks I took her Twix. I'm pretty sure I didn't. And sometimes someone will come up and ask me how it's going and I'll smile and say 'fine thanks'."

Roy Hobbs, a person who turns up most days from Hatfield, said: "I think I'm supposed to be head of, I dunno, some personnel bullshit thing." ... ”

“ CHELSEA captain John Terry injured a Stamford Bridge security guard in what the club has described as a bungled attempt to have sexual intercourse with him. ”